People-Pleasing & Repressed Emotions
People-pleasing and Repressed Emotions Are Connected
Feeling tired from always keeping everyone else happy? You’re not alone. People-pleasing often leads to repressed emotions and chronic stress. In this post, we’ll explore why this happens and how you can begin setting boundaries and honoring your own needs.
The Trap of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is a behavior many of us develop to feel safe, avoid conflict, or gain acceptance. For some, it starts in childhood, when pleasing others might have felt like the only way to earn love or prevent conflict. By prioritizing the comfort of others, people-pleasers attempt to shield themselves from rejection, criticism, or abandonment. While this behavior may have served a purpose in the past, it can become a barrier to authentic connection and self-fulfillment in adulthood.
In adulthood, this ingrained habit can lead us to put others' needs ahead of our own, even if it leaves us exhausted or resentful. Then, instead of protecting our time, energy, and mental space, we may find ourselves saying yes out of obligation or guilt rather than genuine willingness. This can chip away at our sense of self and leave us disconnected from our needs.
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
The Weight of Repressed Emotions
People-pleasing often leads to something else: repressed emotions. When we’re always focused on madking others happy, we may neglect or even suppress our own feelings. Maybe we swallow our frustration, ignore our sadness, or push down feelings of resentment, telling ourselves it’s not a big deal. But over time, these emotions don’t simply disappear. Instead, they build up in our minds and bodies, often manifesting as chronic stress, anxiety, depression, or even physical symptoms like headaches or tension.
Repressed emotions can create a heavy weight that impacts us in subtle yet powerful ways. Unprocessed emotions often find other ways to surface, like heightened anxiety, irritability, or even physical pain. When emotions are suppressed or ignored, our bodies often respond with a “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction, as the nervous system interprets unresolved feelings as ongoing threats. This keeps us in a state of heightened stress and eventually brings us outside of our window of tolerance.
The physiological effects of repressed emotions are profound. Chronic stress caused by unprocessed feelings can lead to increased cortisol levels, which may result in symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, and disrupted sleep. Psychologist Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, highlights the importance of emotional acceptance: “Avoiding or denying emotions leads to greater levels of stress and poor mental health outcomes.”
By allowing yourself to acknowledge and express your emotions in healthy ways—whether through journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or working with a therapist—you not only lighten the emotional load but also support your body in returning to a state of balance and ease.
“The body is a mirror to our internal states. When we begin to listen to it, we can heal both physically and emotionally.”
Dr. Gabor Maté
Give Me Some Good News!
The good news is that we can break the cycle of people-pleasing, boundary-crossing, and repressed emotions. Here are some small but powerful steps to begin your journey:
Listen to Your Emotions: Take a few minutes each day to check in with yourself. What are you feeling? Instead of judging your emotions, just let yourself notice them. Journaling can be a wonderful way to get in touch with any feelings that have been pushed aside. In my therapy practice, I borrow from Janina Fischer and call this the “noticing brain.” We don’t need to judge our emotions— just notice them. This helps us become curious and aware without guilt or judgment.
Practice Saying “No”: This might feel difficult at first, but saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person. It means you’re choosing to respect your own needs. Start small—perhaps with requests that feel less risky—and work up to bigger decisions.
Define Your Boundaries: Take some time to think about where you’d like to set clearer boundaries. Do you need more time for yourself? Are there relationships where you feel drained? Do you need help navigating boundaries within a relationship? Creating boundaries around these areas can help you feel more secure and respected.
Be Gentle with Yourself: Change takes time. Try not to criticize yourself if you find this process challenging. People pleasing is a coping tool you developed long ago and isn’t serving you as much anymore.
Rediscovering Your Own Voice
As you start to set boundaries and listen to your own needs, you might find a new voice emerging—one that values you just as much as it values others. By letting go of people-pleasing and learning to trust your emotions, you’re creating a stronger, more compassionate relationship with yourself.
Disclaimer: The content provided on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While I aim to provide helpful and accurate insights, this blog does not establish a therapeutic relationship or constitute personalized advice. Always consult with a licensed therapist or healthcare provider regarding your unique situation before implementing any suggestions shared in this blog.
