We Get To Make Mistakes.
I’ve been thinking about how many of us carry the quiet but exhausting belief that we have to navigate life perfectly — as if one wrong move could define who we are.
For people who struggle with perfectionism or who carry the weight of complex trauma, mistakes don’t feel like a normal part of being human. They feel personal. Charged. Dangerous. A misstep can quickly spiral into harsh self-criticism:
What’s wrong with me? Why do I always do this? I should know better by now.
Underneath that inner narrative is often a very old survival strategy. Many of my clients have protective parts that believe:
If I punish myself enough, I won’t repeat the mistake.
If I stay hyper-vigilant, I can avoid pain.
If I’m hard on myself, maybe I’ll finally be “good enough.”
The logic feels convincing, but it rarely works. The punitive approach might create short-term control, but over time, it tends to create shame, paralysis, and even more dysregulation. Instead of reducing mistakes, it often increases anxiety, avoidance, and self-sabotage. The very thing we hoped would protect us ends up keeping us stuck.
Here’s where compassion offers something radically different — and research increasingly backs this up. Self-compassion, as defined by Kristin Neff and others, isn’t about excusing harm or lowering standards. It’s about creating the internal safety necessary for real change.
When we meet mistakes with curiosity instead of condemnation, we make space for learning:
What part of me was activated in that moment?
What need was I trying to meet?
What overwhelmed my system that I couldn’t tolerate?
For many of my clients with complex trauma, what looks like self-sabotage is often a firefighter part trying to relieve distress, or an exile whose unmet needs suddenly demand to be seen. That outburst, that retreat, that “bad” decision — it often wasn’t about recklessness. It was about protection.
When we can see our choices in the context of our pain, something softens. The shame begins to lose its grip. The nervous system can settle. Growth becomes possible not through punishment, but through understanding.
We live in a culture that tends to divide everything into right or wrong, good or bad. But humans aren’t that simple — we’re more like a kaleidoscope: layered, changing, full of contradictions that still form a whole. Trying to force ourselves into rigid categories often does more harm than good.
Of course, understanding doesn’t mean we abandon accountability. Our actions have consequences, and part of healing is learning how to face those consequences with honesty. But true accountability isn’t rooted in shame. It's rooted in self-awareness.
When we understand the context — the unmet needs, the protective strategies, the old wounds that shaped our choices — we can hold both truths:
I am responsible for my actions.
And I am still worthy of compassion.
Self-forgiveness doesn’t erase harm. But it allows us to stay in relationship with ourselves, to learn, and to make different choices going forward. That’s where real growth happens.
✨ You are so much more than the sum of your choices. ✨
Your worth has never been tied to flawless behavior. It was never something you had to earn. You are many things at once — your resilience, your capacity to reflect, your tenderness and your strength, your mistakes and your repairs. You are the sum of your becoming, not just any one moment. This beautiful complexity is what makes you human, and it’s where healing begins.
Reflection:
Think back to a recent moment where you felt regret or self-criticism arise.
What part of you might have been trying to protect you?
If you approached that moment with compassion instead of punishment, how might that shift your next step?
Small shifts in perspective can create powerful change.
If you’d like to explore these ideas more deeply:
🎙 Podcast: Being Well with Rick & Forrest Hanson
Conversations on self-compassion, healing, and the neuroscience of change — smart, practical, and grounded.
📖 Book: No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz
An accessible introduction to parts work and how internal protective parts form in response to pain and trauma. Insightful for anyone curious about why we do what we do — and how healing happens.
📖 Book: The Wisdom of Your Body by Hillary McBride
A beautiful exploration of embodiment, trauma, and self-compassion. Thoughtful, validating, and rich with practical reflections.
